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Living with depression entry #3

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  Whenever something bad or tragic happens in my life, I get a feeling of numbness upon hearing the news. I don’t feel anything except the sinking feeling in my stomach. The next day, the sinking feeling starts creeping up and finally it grips my heart. This is my depression or I think it is post traumatic stress. It sucks. I can’t write. I feel so dumb.

Then to add to my misery, the panic attack starts. While flipping the news, my heart always skips a beat. So I stopped watching the news together. But there are some news that is hard to miss, like Peshawar massacre.

To be honest it is not easy to live in Pakistan but I can’t leave it. This country is my life.

A little smile never hurts. Despite all the horrors of this life, we have got to move on. Smile can also be a short term solution for depression. So smile and stay tuned!

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Posted by on December 27, 2014 in depression, diary, journal writing

 

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Living with depression: entry # 1

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 Depression is a state where a person feels low and lethargic all the time. I have spend my whole life with depression. I was emotionally abused all the time and I let the depression take over me. I never really understood the meaning of depression until few days ago although I am suffering from it for years.

I depressed state I feel like it is the end of the  world, all hope gone, the silver lining vanishes behind the clouds and noting will ever be the same.  I hate this phase of depression. One minute you are happy and the next second you remember something bad and duh, this is the end.

In depression there are good and bad days. In good days, you feel better because you are seeing a tiny piece of hope . The bad days are simply intolerable. You don’t understand what is really happening with you. You feel angry all the time. For me this state is a killer. It kills me and in return I want to kill people who are responsible for my depression. Sometimes the impulse to kill is so great that I become scared of my on self. I know killing is wrong and I would never do that but my brain doesn’t  understand that.

To be continued.

 
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Posted by on October 28, 2014 in depression, journal writing

 

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Living with OCD: entry #3

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This week people all over the world people are celebrating OCD awareness week. It is good for people who suffer from it. At least some one is raising voice for them. People who suffer from OCD face two challenges in their life:
1. The constant battle in their brain
2. Telling people it is a serious disease, it is NOT A JOKE.

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I Think people still don’t get it. Maybe it is because it is such a complex disability that even  suffer take years to fully understand it. It is okay if you don’t get it but please stop making fun or jokes about it. “I am so OCD”, is not a beautiful personality trait. I don’t know why people enjoy saying it.
I don’t know how to raise awareness about a diease let alone a disease nobody cares to understand it. I am writing about OCD. I am following hash tag # OCDawarenessweek. This is all I am doing.
I fight OCD everyday and most of the time I am winning. But I know there will be people out there who let OCD decide their lives. They need help therapy and motivation. Someday I hope to help them. It hurts so much to see them in pain and anguish that I even forget my own pain.

All the bloggers out there please help me in doing something about it. #OCDawarenessweek

 
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Posted by on October 18, 2014 in journal writing, ocd

 

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Living with OCD: entry #2

Diagnosis-OCD-Treatment

I perceive OCD as a huge monster inside my brain. This monster has claws with huge nails and it uses them to kill positive thoughts, leaving behind nothing but black, gray patches of negativity. I have been living with OCD since I was eight. My thoughts were clouded. I felt no inner peace. I started questioning my faith, my beliefs. Faith is supposed to give you peace and I had none.
Peace was like an alien in a spaceship. I always thought that someday my peace alien would land on my planet and I will be a normal person.
I was never a normal human being. By normal I mean what our society perceives as normal. I was callow, stupid little girl in their sights. But I never cared what they thought. I thought myself different from others. I loved being unique.
I never knew I had OCD till two months ago. I have lived 12 years of my life with this monster and hadn’t had the slightest notion about it. Honestly, it was horrifying when I first found about it but then afterward it wasn’t that bad. At least everything made sense. I used to blame myself for my stupid thoughts. Now I have stopped doing it and it has given me immense satisfaction. It is like a lightening of burden which has been on my shoulder for so many years. I am trying to defeat this monster and I hope that someday the dark, gray patches in my mind will be replaced by bright, sunny pictures.

 
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Posted by on October 9, 2014 in journal writing, ocd

 

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