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Living with OCD entry #5

hhhhhhh

Dear OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder),

It was never easy living with you. You entered at every phase and every moment of my life. You are like a companion. But you give a lot of trouble. Sometimes I think that it is my fault that I have let you grow and nourish inside my head. I watered you like you were some kind of plant in my brain. And when I tried to stop it was  too late. You were grown up by then and it was difficult to suppress you. I can control you sometimes but in tough situations I panic and you take control over me. Maybe if I don’t panic , I will have some control but my brain kinda stop working. It becomes almost impossible to stop you then.

I can’t take medicine because of the fear of getting addicted. I will try therapy and see what happens.

P.S. I beg you to leave me alone.

Yours,

Bariyah

 
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Posted by on January 21, 2015 in life with OCD, living with OCD, ocd

 

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Living with OCD entry #4

Dear Diary,

I am doing great for the past few days after the happy news of my admission. I topped the merit list. The depression hasn’t stuck me and I am quite relieved. But my OCD is still here. I think it won’t go away until I do the complete therapy.

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I can’t wear my “bad luck clothes”. They are the clothes that I was wearing when I heard some bad news. My OCD mind keeps telling me that if I wear them something bad will happen or worse, someone will die. This horrifies me. There is a pink sweater of me that I like very much but can’t wear because of this bad luck thing. Well, I can sacrifice my clothes if it prevents someone from dying. I know that sounds absurd but this is OCD. And this is the reason OCD is in one of the top ten disabling diseases.

That’s it for today, diary. I will see you later.

Yours truly,

Bariyah

 
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Posted by on January 7, 2015 in living with OCD

 

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Living with OCD: entry #2

Diagnosis-OCD-Treatment

I perceive OCD as a huge monster inside my brain. This monster has claws with huge nails and it uses them to kill positive thoughts, leaving behind nothing but black, gray patches of negativity. I have been living with OCD since I was eight. My thoughts were clouded. I felt no inner peace. I started questioning my faith, my beliefs. Faith is supposed to give you peace and I had none.
Peace was like an alien in a spaceship. I always thought that someday my peace alien would land on my planet and I will be a normal person.
I was never a normal human being. By normal I mean what our society perceives as normal. I was callow, stupid little girl in their sights. But I never cared what they thought. I thought myself different from others. I loved being unique.
I never knew I had OCD till two months ago. I have lived 12 years of my life with this monster and hadn’t had the slightest notion about it. Honestly, it was horrifying when I first found about it but then afterward it wasn’t that bad. At least everything made sense. I used to blame myself for my stupid thoughts. Now I have stopped doing it and it has given me immense satisfaction. It is like a lightening of burden which has been on my shoulder for so many years. I am trying to defeat this monster and I hope that someday the dark, gray patches in my mind will be replaced by bright, sunny pictures.

 
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Posted by on October 9, 2014 in journal writing, ocd

 

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